Hold Fast

What I've learned in my life, the one thing greater than my strife is your grasp...

I've probably posted about this before but I like this song. A lot. Could be why it comes up often. I heard it on the way to work this morning. I had a bad day yesterday. It happens. I don't like to be rushed, scheduled minute by minute and for approximately 23 days (total guess), that's my life. And I'm frustrated by it. And the thing is that this is the way that I run my life. I add too much. I try too much. And then I melt down. You would think that at 35, I might be able to control the impulse to add more. You'd be wrong. I do not learn. Until I'm going through the breakdown, I'm firmly in control of it all. And then I'm not and I want to just let it all, every single bit, good and bad, just let it go. And as I'm typing, I'm realzing that I'll probably never be able to change that. It will take supernatural help to change the patterns of 35 years.

Psalm 139 For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

Where is your hope?

If it were not for hope, the heart would break.

-- Thomas Fuller

Psalm 62:5-6
5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

I have a hard time imagining life without hope, but I think there are people living that way. To me, hope is key to survival, the belief that tomorrow can be better than today. Some days are great days, but every life has the days that aren't great, aren't happy, are frustrating and defeating and stressful. I might mess up or disappoint myself or someone else or something that's out of my control can shake everything, but tomorrow can be better. I hope it's going to be better. I believe that it can be better. Of course, I know where my hope is. And I'm so thankful today that God does not change. He doesn't get angry, give up, or walk away from me. I may blow from here to there, go away and come back, make bad choices or stop listening, but God doesn't give up, doesn't move, doesn't change. And tomorrow can be better, and someday it will be the best. I have hope.

Lift my eyes

There's just nothing like needing help to renew faith, is there? Things are rocking along smoothly and there's really no need to involve God in my plans. Throw a wrench in the works and I suddenly remember where my help comes from. Yesterday I mentioned sleepless nights. I've moved on to nervous eating during the day. I'm not sure what the next step in the escalation is but I've got to manage to take care of this one. I had a few quiet moments yesterday between one thing and the next where I sat and desperately prayed. I don't know how God keeps from getting fed up. This happens over and over with me. I sort of hope He rolls his eyes just like I would in the same spot. Praying for clear direction and security. Over and over. Security seems iffy based on what I'm re-reading about getting out of the boat so I've sort of pinned my hopes on the "clear direction" part of the equation.

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

I'm a thinker. I spend too much time in my head. Thinking. And last night was one of those nights where the thinking started and just wouldn't stop. To try to shut it all down, all the worries about whether or not I'm doing the right thing or making the right decision or headed for failure or...or..., I picked up John Ortberg's book If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get OUt of the Boat. The man likes long titles. It's a look at the story where Peter walks on water. For a minute. Until he sees the wind.

I'm not sure it quieted my mind but I had something new to think about. As long as Jesus commands me, I'm going to get out of the boat. The next question: How can I be sure of the command?

Dark alleys

The next time you find yourself alone in a dark alley facing the
undeniables of life, don't cover them with a blanket, or ignore
them with a nervous grin. Don't turn up the TV and pretend they
aren't there. Instead, stand still, whisper his name, and
listen. He is nearer than you think.

-- Max Lucado

I had this conversation with a single friend over dinner where she mentioned going out at night to investigate a loud noise. This is against my policy. I don't do that. I stay very quiet inside, with my ears peeled for the slightest noise, and pretend I am not there. The ostrich defense...I stick my head in the sand until it goes away. This has worked effectively for me for years.

I like this quote my Max Lucado because the truth is that this approach doesn't really work. Most of the real concerns of life just don't disappear. Tv helps cover them up and I can pretend all day long that I don't see them, but that's not what God's called me to do. How often do I just stand still, whisper his name, and listen? Not often enough.

Faith and trust

Faith is unutterable trust in God, trust which never dreams that
He will not stand by us.

-- Oswald Chambers

I got this quote in email yesterday and I've been thinking about it. I've known for some time that my problem is trust...in lots of areas. I've had the kind of faith that never dreamed that God would not deliver. But I've also had the disappointing discovery that that's not a promise like I want it to be...God will always deliver exactly what I want. So for a while I've struggled to understand the "stand by" part of this quote. I was bothered yesterday by the idea that my faith is weak because I do wonder whether God is standing by. Today, I'm reminded that God has promised never to leave me or forsake me. I know that. I don't doubt that for a minute. I do have my doubts that He's going to do what I think is best. And He never promised that. Thank goodness.

So what does silence mean?

I think it means I'm not listening. I'm not paying attention. And I'm certainly not inspired to blog about not listening, not paying attention. I can usually count on that to happen sometime around this holiday. I really don't understand it...Christmas music in the stores, on the radio, on the television...and I'm too wrapped up in the busy-ness to really listen. I'm going to do better. I say that so often, right?

Anyway, as I was posting via YouTube videos on the other blog, I ran across this song by Matthew West and Mandisa (yes, that Mandisa). It's kind of a hokey video but I do like the song..."Christmas Makes Me Cry." It's not as uplifting as dogs barking out "Jingle Bells" but it is a great reminder of why Christmas can be bittersweet to most of us.

Been there?

Romans 8:26 (The Message)

26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Ever been to the point you don't even know what to pray? I came across a card that someone gave me with the verse included. It wasn't in the Message translation so I thought I'd check it out. "He does our praying for us." When we don't know what to pray, the Holy Spirit comes alongside and does our praying for us. It's hard to imagine but what a gift. He knows us better than we know ourselves...this is something that I've been thinking about lately. Too many conversations about why I feel the way I do about myself maybe... Wouldn't it be great to see, even if just for one minute, myself the way that God sees me?

Some History

Today the church I'm attending had a commitment ceremony to finish its building program. The coolest thing about the service is that they asked people to come forward by the decades they joined the church. It was founded in the 1940s, and there were people who came forward for that decade. To me, it's amazing that people in joined in the 60s or 70s are still there. I didn't grow up in church, and since I've been a Christian, I've been a part of new churches for the most part. I didn't really want anything traditional. But I'm beginning to think that I'm traditional. The funny thing about this church is that it started a couple of miles from where I grew up. It's been in and out of my life since high school. And now it's this big mega church with a beautiful building. And I feel like I fit there. As much as I feel I fit anywhere. These singles are my kind of singles. Not once have I been frightened by what I heard in Sunday School or saw in action. And it's a place that one pastor stayed for 36 years. He retired, but he's still a member of the congregation. It was interesting to see how long people had been members of this church. But there are a whole lot of them. And the only way to join...go stand in front of them. So I'll be putting that off for at least one more week. Joining is going to require some strategy.

Rest

Matthew 11:28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

As I "dropped" (loudly) my phone this morning, I realized that something has to change. Phone rage that early in the morning is just really not a good thing. And it's only a job, not much different today than yesterday and it's easy to predict what tomorrow will be like. What's the point of letting it affect my attitude? The job won't change. So that means my attitude has to. Or am I looking at something bigger than that? A life change? I'm not sure.

I think about this verse sometimes. It's really a promise to free us from the restrictions under religious law. Jesus brought a new way, a new life, a freedom. But I really want some rest too. Last night, after a marathon revamping session at the beauty salon, I missed my Bible study, so I had 3 precious hours...where I refused to study or do housework. Yesterday was a total whirlwind of meeting, and meeting, and meeting. So I didn't meet last night, something that probably would have helped. I was forced to cook for a potluck today, but even that burden was easier with more time. It all comes back to that time...time to breathe.

And the picture comes from Cute Overload, my favorite form of mood enhancer.

Alright?

I think I might be in a funk. I really am thankful for Christian music. On the way home, I listened to people talk about all that they're thankful for. Which didn't really serve to elevate my spirits much. And then I heard this song "I'm Not Alright" by Sanctus Real. And it didn't really manage to capture my mood but it does seem to get at part of where I am. I do understand the "broken inside" part.

And yes, MJ, there really is a GodTube. I haven't seen one dancing cat on it yet. YouTube still rocks.

Home Sweet Home

That was the title of the message and here's how it starts...
Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.

OK, so I made it back to church today after missing last week thanks to the Houston trip. I knew that Sunday School would be about generosity. There's a building plan going on after all. And then church. I really expected something a little patriotic for Veteran's Day. The songs would play, I'd cry...overall, a good time. But no. Instead it's a "family" message. Husbands love your wives. Wives respect your husbands. And children honor your parents.
Yawn.
I know several women who just get all offended over this, especially if it's a part of wedding vows. I've heard the lunch discussion. And I just totally shrug my shoulders. It literally has nothing to do with me. And I was surrounded on all sides so I couldn't even make my grocery list.

Pretty sure that's an improper attitude for the whole thing. I'm just not really sure what to do about it. Maybe I should search out another message for today.

All Things Are Possible

I think I'm having one of those days. I'm not sure what it will take to get some energy and some purpose. Thinking that way reminded me of this Nicole C. Mullen song. And every one of her songs is a reminder of the power of God. I think I need that today!

Time Out

Do you ever have those? Time outs? Or maybe it's just time away. I've been traveling for my job and so I'm disconnected...different music, no time to read or really think, different friends, different priorities. And now I'm back. And everything is exactly the same as I left it. Nothing stopped while I was gone, but it didn't change either. And now it's time to fill it back up, that cup that I'm supposed to have running over. Right now, it's more like running on empty.

Yesterday I worked a little from home and then got the wild idea to move furniture. I'm like that. When I have things I should do, I can think of a million distractions that normally hold zero attraction for me. Yard work becomes the most fascinating thing in the world in comparison to work deadlines. I hope I'm not alone. Anyway, as I did that, I came across paperwork of my mom's and it occurred to me how unfair it is that I can't remember the things I want to (pin numbers, passwords, phone numbers) but some things I'll never be able to forget, no matter how desperately I want to. Why do you think that is? Maybe it's a matter of importance. Well, I guess it's also a part of growth.

I'm going to start a new study next week on peace. I'm looking forward to it.

Phillipans 4:4-8
4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Endurance

Hebrews 10:36 (New Living Translation)
36 Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.

I get overwhelmed. I take on too much and then I get overwhelmed, stressed, unable to slow down for a minute to think or enjoy. That's part of who I am. When I finished my MBA, I promised the friend who gets buried under my stress now that my original sounding board is gone that I wasn't going to take on anything else new for 6 months. And I almost made it. And the things that I did add are good or good for me. But I get overwhelmed. Work gets crazy, I have to travel which adds to my stress levels, something happens in my family, a friend has an emergency and I need to take care of it all. I want to. And I do. I'm nothing if not dependable. I may not be happy, I might complain or fret the whole time or feel guilty about not doing enough, but I'm dependable. I really wonder what God thinks about this. I know I'm not alone. I really think it's girl thing. I'm not sure really what to do about it either, except to watch carefully that I don't stop doing what I know is right to make things easier. What a challenge.

More love

1 Corinthians 13
1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Why do I say things I shouldn't say? It's not that I don't mean them. I do. I really, really do mean them. I just shouldn't say them. If you're like me, there are people in your life that can send you from fairly happy to both incredulous and supremely frustrated in the span of seconds (from 0 to "Oh no she didn'" with a snap in no time). There are times when I feel like I'd rather bang my head on the wall than continue to talk to certain people because it would hurt less. Been there? I think it's OK to feel that way. Then we just have to make the right choice from there. I'm called to love people. That's how the world will know that I'm a Christian. I'm not called to like people. But I am called to love them...patiently, kindly, un-rudely, un-easily angered.

Thankfully, my God is the God of second chances. It seems that the people that you truly like are easy to lose...they get new jobs, new homes, new opportunities, maybe they even die entirely too soon. And you miss them terribly. The people you don't like...stay with you forever. That just means more opportunity to get the love part right. Right?

So finally I'm paying my way

I listen to K-LOVE almost all the time I'm in my car. Locally it's 90.1 FM or 96.9 FM but it's a national Christian station, listener supported so there are no commercials. This is why I never know what's happening in traffic, but that's just a random thought. Anyway, they have pledge drives twice a year. And they're having one now. And for some reason, this time it worked on me. I pledged. When I think about how much time I spend with K-LOVE, I have to. That music is too important to my life. I'll never be able to sing well enough for others to hear me but I really enjoy singing in the privacy of my car. Sometimes I'm a total mess when I get where I'm going because my heart is broken, but more often, my head is on straight because of what I hear on that station.

I'm not sure why it worked this time. I think it may be the influence of the study on "generosity" we're doing in church. Weird. Studying something causes me to act.

Oh, and I think I've managed to actually remember-ize (yes, I know that's not a word) 2 verses. I'm sort of sensing a pattern.

Psalm 71:14-But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.
1 Peter 5:7-Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

In Better Hands Now

This is a song playing on KLOVE all the time right now. And I really like it. It's another YouTube link. When I do this, I'm mainly looking for the song. The video gets us the song here...and lots of pictures of Natalie Grant. Just listen to the song!

You just look smart

Ever had a compliment like that? One that you weren't quite sure how to take? You just look smart...meaning I only appear smart and I'm not so much? I preferred to take it as a compliment as in..."Of course that test was easy for you. Smart-ness just oozes out of you." Little do they know...

There are 2 things going on here. 1. I really don't accept compliments well. 2. I've heard that one more than once and sometimes I'd rather be a really talented athlete or beautiful or have x-ray vision or be able to leap buildings in a single bound. You know, cool things like that. Something other than taking test well and appearing to have an empty pocket because I left my pocket protector at home. I really wanted to say "Thanks. You just look like a cheerleader." Not nice, right? Funny, maybe. Well, that's probably how I meant it.

Being smart is a good thing. I'm not sure I am smart, but I learn quickly, work hard, and take tests well. And I totally understand that only God could give me the gifts that I have. I'm thankful he also gave me humor and the ability to laugh at myself. Now if I could only get over wishing I had other gifts. Ever wonder what God sees? I'm not sure God's impressed with my testing ability or ease with a witty comeback. He wants me to be wise, not smart, and humble and compassionate. Maybe there's hope for me. At least I know it's wrong to insult the pretty girl. And I only do it in my head. That might be growth.

Psalm 139
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Called to go

Acts 1:8
8But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.

I have a friend leaving today for Ecuador. And she's a work friend. That's how we know each other. Except that we've spent some time together in Bible study at work, studying Purpose Driven Life. The first time we went through it, I so clearly heard the call to go on mission that I couldn't ignore it. And that's saying something. I can ignore lots of things I don't want to hear. My call led to Peru. At that time, she was in a totally different place. She wasn't ready to go. Since then, we've been through other Bible studies together, the Purpose Driven Life at least one more time, and her life has changed. And she's going to Ecuador. I'm praying for her safety and that she's going to meet God there the way I met Him in Peru. Her life will never be the same.

And here's how my life's changed...I think I'm envious. I want to go too. I want to experience that closeness and power again. God really can work miracles in hearts that are open.