Questions...I've got 'em.

Recently I've discovered that I just expect to be able to find answers when I search for them. In the Internet age, you can find a thousand places to tell you how to properly boil an egg. Don't believe me? Just do a search. I do know. I'm not much of a cook. Really, I'm not a cook at all. I used to call my mother every time I had to boil eggs. Now I search the Internet. Some things are just too embarassing to call and ask someone who you're still trying to impress. And that's one of my biggest problems: I'm still trying to impress, to look like I have it together, to pretend that nothing hurts or that I need anything more than I have.

Other searches are a lot more difficult to find the answers, even with all this information at your fingertips. And I know I should be talking about the big issues...what am I here for, is there a God, why do bad things happen. I just think I have all those things answered. I'm not searching for those answers. Mine are different: finances, electrical, rodent eradication, relationships, how to fix me, and other assorted pieces. And they all stem from me trying to take care of me. All on my own. I think I'm looking for...if you can do this, that, and this other thing, then yes, of course, this career path is for you. Or if he says this, he does that, and he's this kind of person...then this, without a doubt, is exactly what he means. And he is so into you. Follow this path. Go this way. Do this thing. And you will be happy.

Lately, I've sorta been having these conversations in my head. Ironically, they're about getting out of my head. Getting out of my way. Asking for help, direction, thoughts, suggestions from experts. Now, where can I find experts? Maybe I'll try Google...

God working

John 5
19-20So Jesus explained himself at length. "I'm telling you this straight. The Son can't independently do a thing, only what he sees the Father doing. What the Father does, the Son does. The Father loves the Son and includes him in everything he is doing.

As I was doing my Experiencing God study this morning, I thought a little about my post from yesterday about who was really at work...Satan or God. And the fact that even Jesus could only accomplish God's purposes here by watching to see where He was already working and going there.

How many times do we miss what's really going on? How many times to we see coincidence instead of God working? How many times do I let uncomfortable people make me miss what God is doing?

It's really something that I need to watch for. I know I'm missing it all the time. And all the time I'm crying out for God to show me His will.

Father, help me to see what you're doing so that I can be involved.

So, which is it?

John 8
43Why is my language not clear to you? Because you are unable to hear what I say. 44You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desire. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

I met Satan last week.

Those were the words that she began with during our prayer request time in Sunday school. And stupidly, the hair raises on my arms and I start to hear ominous music in my mind and look around for the axe slinging maniac. That's what evil looks like. Right?
As she went on to explain, Satan came in the form of a person who got into a very serious discussion with her on the existence of God. People were formed from the stars and the dust and there is no God. Incorrect, yes. Misguided, certainly. Hopelessly lost right now, yes. Satan? I don't know. This seems to be a very straightforward conversation for Satan to be starting. Why would Satan send that person up against another willing to share the truth? Why would he make it so easy to refute? Why would the father of all lies start this when this guy is clearly in his camp already? As she spoke, a couple of thoughts ran through my head.

We meet Satan every day of every week, whether it's in an unsettling conversation or not. He's there, maybe not boldly with flaming evil, but he's there in much more dangerous ways. This is what Paul says in 2 Corinthians
2 Corinthians 4:4 The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.
2 Corinthians 11:14 And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light.

We know we'll encounter him...in philosophies that look so much like ours that it's hard to show how dangerously wrong they are and in people who put obstacles in the way because this faith is too easy or even in believers who would rather have the temptations of this world, but a head-to-head confrontation like this seems a little more rare. Even when he tempted Christ, his manner was deceptively logical. And really, I think my question is...is this Satan? Or is this God at work? Satan already has that one so it's a battle he can only lose.

And in the end, it probably doesn't matter who started the battle although I'm always going to hope for my own sake that God's already there working because it's not an argument I can win on my own anyway. The answer is still the same...see that person, that lost person, as God sees him. Don't be distracted by heated arguments or confused theories. See that person as God sees him, lost...but not without hope. That conversation means hope.

Personality?

Here's another true confession: I'm a little weird. I like to take tests. I especially like to take "what kind of popsicle/Austen character/superhero/color are you?" tests. To me, anytime I get to choose a button and have immediate scoring results, I am happy. I enjoy taking things like the GRE and the GMAT. I am an excellent test taker. You didn't really need to know that although it does explain a little about why I decided to take the Servants by Design personality test thingamabob. To find out more, click Your Unique Design. It has been recommended to me by more than one person and it was again by life coach Shane (apparently he's going to turn up in this blog as often as the Daily Show does in any political conversation I take part in).

So with my found time (waiting for Mr. Electric), I decided to take this test. And really, if I told you the choices were Achiever, Persister, Dreamer, Energizer, Catalyzer, and Harmonizer (and you know me just a little bit at all), you'd probably put my results in that order. And that's my order with Achiever and Persister at 100%.
Motivators:
While in the process of developing your Dreamer part, you are motivated to seek solitude and peace. You need to spend considerable time undisturbed by people, noises or outside interruptions.

Planning, organizing and completing meaningful tasks or projects will remain a priority for you. Recognition for a job well done by someone you respect and admire can be an excellent motivator, although you have the ability to work for long periods of time motivated by only your need to be responsible and do your best.

Abilities: communicating, planning, and overseeing.

Here are the pitfalls:
Occasionally you will feel powerless to change things, believing instead that you just have to be strong and endure whatever problems come your way.
When overloaded, you likely will begin to avoid phone calls and miss meetings.
Under pressure, you will tend to find yourself wanting to withdraw from contact with others.

Pitfall seems to indicate a dangerous or bad thing. So...I'm not sure the things listed above fit. Aren't they just things, neither good nor bad really? I would say they are 100% true. Many days at work, I just want to sit under my desk. Quietly. Overload, yes, but what do I do about that?

Now maybe I need someone to tell me what to do with the info, short of wrapping it up and handing it to my family to say that it is, indeed, OK for me to spend time alone. In fact, it's needed. And then also to my boss and co-workers who value my "answers and clear thinking" to explain why I am sitting under my desk and rocking, avoiding phone calls, and missing meetings. It's the Dreamer part of me under overload. Just one crisis too many at the moment...catch me later.

That might actually be a big help.

Calling vs. career

I think the point where I got a little "don't-cry-don't-cry" panicked at lunch was during the 4 questions:
1. Think about the time you felt the most alive. What were you doing?
2. If money and failure were not options, what would you do?
3. What do other people tell me I do with excellence?
4. What kind of legacy do I want to leave?

I've been working with Merry from Marketplace Connection for just a little while now, and we've had some conversation about career choices. She recommended a study called 48 Days to the Work You Love to me (and to a friend who was recently laid off). And I bought the book. And that's as far as it went. And here's why: I'm sorta afraid of the answer. If I find clear direction, what in the world am I going to do with it? I'm comfortable (sort of) right where I am. I know what to expect (sort of) every day. After lunch on Thursday, with some unexpected time off (waiting for Mr. Electric to show up...not as exciting as it sounds), I started Day 1.

And did some thinking about these questions.
The places I felt most alive are scary places! Out on the edge of my comfort zone:
-sitting on a hill overlooking a town in the Andes mountains in Peru, praying for those people and thanking God for that chance.
-sitting alone in a town square in a town in the Andes mountains, surrounded by children who speak Spanish...and I don't
-showering with a lizard in a town in the Andes mountains in Peru. If the cold water doesn't make you feel alive, keeping an eye on the lizard definitely will.
-photographing quilts in the streets of Dublin, Ireland, with possibly the best friend of my life
-reading, writing, and discussing great books in literature classes in college
-being critiqued in the only creative writing class I've ever taken
-speaking in the final class of my MBA gauntlet in front of a panel of business experts

Those are just quick answers, off the top of my head, but I think that fear may be the common factor.

If money and failure were taken out of the mix, what would I do? Clearly, study, and travel and write. Those are things that I see that I love. That I always have loved and that I always will love. But in the real world, money is a necessity and failure is very much an option with which I am intimately acquainted and live in dread of daily. So what in the world does that tell me? You know, I've been told by more than one person who loves me that I can do anything, but that's clearly untrue, so where's the line?

What do people tell me I do with excellence? I have no idea, but here's the real trick: if I can't do it perfectly, or at least excellently, I don't really want to do it. I really, really don't want to do it. I lose sleep over how much I don't want to do it. But if I look at what I do daily, I schedule, I plan, I problem-solve, I lighten the mood when I can. There may be other things.

And as for legacy, I've never thought about it. Who am I leaving a legacy for?

What about you? Can you answer these questions? There supposed to help us determine a calling, which is different than a career. A calling is our passion, our purpose. And we're all supposed to have one, right?

Remember Psalm 139? This is from the Message translation:
13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

All the stages of my life, the days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day...I have a purpose and work prepared for me. Father, show me what it is.

Work we had better be doing

Ephesians 2 from the Message;

7-10Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish! We don't play the major role. If we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.

In the lunch on Thursday, life coach Shane read this from Ephesians. I was really looking forward to this lunch topic. I was just really hoping for some ideas. And I still had to do a minor "don't-cry" pep talk. And I was a little surprised by it.

I mean, a job is just a job, right? This one pretty much the same as that one. And just because most days in my current job I feel a little lightheaded because of the lack of oxygen in my office, thanks to overbearing burdens of too much work, not enough people, crazy deadlines and a feeling of the never-ending sameness of every day...wait, did I say that out loud? Anyway, aren't most places like that? I work for a good company with a great product. I like working with my friends. I like pulling pretty things out of boxes and seeing nice photos. I like lunch. And my skills are perfect for this job. I grew up here. I'm successful here. It's home.

Whether or not home is where I need to be, I don't believe crushing never-ending sameness is what my life should be about. As Ephesians says, I've been created to join Christ Jesus in the works he's doing, work I should be doing. I don't believe the place is the problem. I think the biggest problem is that I'm not plugged in to where God is working.

I don't know that this means a change of place. I do think it means a change of attitude. At the very least, there's something more I should be doing that requires some of the energy that leaks out of me during the day in my oxygen-light atmosphere.

So I think the first thing to do is to have the right attitude about work. And here's a confession: in my life, there is no small stuff. Every challenge is a big challenge, life or death, critical. It's never too soon to panic. And I know that's just not true. I can work hard enough, push hard enough, grind through, and plug every problem with a solution and still fail in the end because of something out of my control. So...learning not to sweat the small stuff might be a good step.

How in the world do I do that?

Lunch at Larry's

Today's the day for the Marketplace Connection lunch out at Larry's on Hwy 10 if anyone local wants to join it. Topic: No More Mondays!

Reaching the world

One of the headline stories on AOL.com this morning is about a preacher who has a series this summer based on the #1 movies. The link takes you to a sermon based on Wall-E and YouTube has a collection. The one above is on Indiana Jones and in it he explains his reasoning.

I think the most interesting part (because I believe I've actually seen this before or something similar) is the reaction to the videos.

There are a lot of people in the world who are a little angry about this, saying if you can't preach the word, you bring a circus or that he doesn't know enough of the Bible...fake, phony, etc.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I really don't see that Christ Chapel is doing unbiblical things. Christ met people where they were and he spoke to them as they were to reach them. I do believe that the points need to be supported by God's word. And from what I saw, they were. But giving a message to people that they can understand...I don't know that we should fault someone for that. Or for the idea that you can show others that God can speak...even through Hollywood.

I haven't seen his "Dark Knight" series but I'd like to. As I suffered through that dark, depressing un-happy Batman, I looked for bright spots. There's a point where humankind shows true goodness and respect...and the Joker can't believe it. But as I watched it I thought "Love one another" and there's got to be a message about a hero who suffers ridicule, suspicion, judgement, pain...and continues to fulfill the mission he's called to to save the world. There's just got to be.

Christ Chapel might be out on the edge, but there are lost people out on the edge as well. His style may not be my style, but I can't fault someone for trying something new to reach the world.

Spellbound

Psalm 45:11 (New International Version)
11 The king is enthralled by your beauty;
honor him, for he is your lord.

Ever met anyone enthralled by your beauty? Me, either. Unless you actually said "yes" and then I say "How nice for you." But I don't really mean it. I'm just that way sometimes. Most of the time. Really, all the time. "Charmed" by my quirks is my only hope.

Anyway, the definition of enthral:
1 : to hold in or reduce to slavery
2 : to hold spellbound : charm

As I've been casting around for another Bible study, I ran across a book and read this verse. Imagine...being beautiful enough to enthral a king, to charm a king.

I certainly don't feel all that spellbinding today, a day of answering questions and phone calls and making requests that don't get completed. It's frustrating, bends me out of shape and I feel more "beast" than "beauty" and don't have much inclination to get over it. And my clothes are too tight, my mouth is too loose, and my hair defies explanation. Add to that a king, a lord, who is enthralled by me, even when I'm the beast. And that's really love. What a gift.

Living with clutter

Proverbs 12:24 (New International Version)
24 Diligent hands will rule,
but laziness ends in slave labor.

I'm feeling a little like slave labor this weekend. My normal MO is that of a hermit. I go to work. I go home. I go out for necessities: food, Diet Coke, movies, and very occasional entertainment. The rest of the time I spend happy at home. I like it there. My dog is there.

But then I do something to mess up the plan. I invite people in. It's not that I don't like having people over. I do. I really do. But being a hermit means I don't have to worry about unexpected visitors. And the clutter gets out of control.

Here's the scene: a tottering stack of mail/bills, countless loads of laundry, yarn in every nook and cranny, books scattered higgledy-piggledy, layers of dog hair and dust. So after a month or so of laziness, I am slave labor. The problem is that my house has reached the state that I just can't determine where to start.

So I work some and then I regroup. I've determined that I just don't have a very high frustration threshold. What I mean is that it doesn't take long for me to work on a problem to get to the point where I am overwhelmed. I have to back off and come back at it. My house is like that. I think my spiritual life is like that too.

The mess in my heart is like clutter. One day at a time, I make a bad decision that pulls me away. And then the next I let something else in that has no place in my heart, but really it's not so bad. Until you look at a pile of those things and consider how much time it will take to get rid of it.

I sorta feel that way about laundry. I have many clothes. I wear them all before I do laundry. Day by day, it's not so much. But after weeks, facing that many loads of laundry feels like a crisis.

And in all things...whether it's cleaning the house, getting back on spiritual track, losing weight, or saving money...I expect immediate results. I want to correct in a heartbeat what it took days (or weeks or years) to build.

I know better than to pray for patience. Maybe I'll try diligence instead.
Back to the mines...