Gracious

Luke 4:22
And all were speaking well of Him, and wondering at the gracious words which were falling from His lips

This weekend I started reading Self Talk, Soul Talk by Jennifer Rothschild. I was suspicious at first. I was afraid it was a self-help book masquerading as biblical truth. Self-help books don't seem to be a good use of paper most of the time.

This one is good so far. Rothschild says at one point that she sure she wouldn't stand for someone else talking to her the same way she talks to herself. And I'd say on the other side that I would never in a million words say some of the things that I think about myself to anyone. Ever. I don't really even think those things about other people. Most of the time.

How does that happen? Why do I have a different standard for myself?

Graciousness and power, that was what people heard when Jesus spoke. Truth with compassion and kindness and you know he was tested...Peter alone was probably enough to test Jesus' graciousness.

The idea of Self Talk Soul Talk is that this internal monologue is natural and most of us have things that we say to ourselves that we shouldn't. And while we can't eliminate those, with God's help, we can replace them with better things, things to build up instead of tear down, things to draw us closer to God.

Transparency

Proverbs 23:7 (New American Standard Bible)
7For as he thinks within himself, so he is.

Do you ever wonder how the world sees you? I'm a thinker. I'm happy to listen to conversations flow around me and think, to observe the people around me and think. I don't have to be the center of attention. In fact, I'd prefer not to be. I think this quietness or reserve gives the people around me an idea of who I am that may just be a little off.

I know people who think my halo is untarnished...I never think a bad thing, say a bad thing, do things I shouldn't because I'm a Christian, a good person, a good girl. Unfortunately, that just isn't true. I worry about those people a little. As soon as I stumble with them, I become just another hypocrite. You know, the reason people can't go to church...all the hypocrites. You've heard that, right?

So I try my best not to represent myself as flawless...but that's such a battle because perfection is really all that's acceptable. For me, anyway. I want to fake it, to pretend perfection. Clearly, my thoughts are different than my actions. And together, my brain and my mouth are dangerous.

Of course, there are some things that are easier to admit to...and I'm willing to be transparent there. There are some things that only God knows, even with an untarnished halo. And there's so much more work to do with whole "renewing of my mind" business.

Some advice

Do not be discouraged at your faults; bear with yourself in
correcting them, as you would with your neighbor. Lay aside this
ardor of mind, which exhausts your body, and leads you to commit
errors. Accustom yourself gradually to carry prayer into all
your daily occupations. Speak, move, work, in peace, as if you
were in prayer, as indeed you ought to be.

-- François Fénelon

(Wikipedia says Fran was a French guy and part of the Quietist movement. I had never heard of Quietists but they were frowned on by the Catholic church. I'm probably not going to become a Fran follower or Quietist. I already think too much.)

From Wiki:
Quietism is a Christian philosophy that swept through France, Italy and Spain during the 17th century, but it had much earlier origins. The mystics known as Quietists insist with more or less emphasis on intellectual stillness and interior passivity as essential conditions of perfection; all have been officially proscribed as heresy in very explicit terms by the Roman Catholic Church.

Cool enough

I like this song by Scott Krippayne and it sorta goes along with the topic this week.

No junk

Psalm 139 (New International Version)
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

I'm sure you've heard it before: God don't make no junk.

Here's what I know for sure...God has a purpose for me, with all my flaws and all my strengths. I really hope his purpose doesn't include singing on a stage. I don't sing well. And I'm OK with that. It's funny how easy it is to accept some of the things I don't have: I don't sing well, I don't clean well, I don't sport anything really well. I wonder why I don't miss those things when there's a long list of other things that I wish I had. Maybe I have just decided they aren't important. That actually seems a fairly reasonable decision from where I sit.

So maybe I just need to come to that realization in some other areas, too.

Um, I don't think it's going to be easy...

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Thank you, God, for all the blessings that you've given me. Help me understand how you see me.

Measuring up

I hope I'm not alone in the internal conversation that I have most days.
I wish I looked more like...
If I only had this, I could be happy...
She's so much more confident/happy/intelligent/funny than I am...


And that doesn't include the adjectives that are a part of my normal internal conversation. I don't want to look at them in writing...So it seems that one of the first things I have to do is change the tone of the conversation. Here's what Paul had to say:

Romans 12
Living Sacrifices
1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

3For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.

I do think it's crystal clear what the world wants me to think of myself...Not. Good. Enough. I learned it in junior high school and it's a lesson that stuck.

How many women do you know who are really OK with who they are? I know a few who really appear to be happy with who they are. They don't obsess over flaws or, even worse, do their best to tear others down to lift themselves up. Of course, that's the outside. I can't hear the internal conversation or see the heart. And on good days, I can fake it too. I still know the energy that I spend telling myself what I can't do.

What I need to do is take that energy and tell myself and the world what God can do, what God will do.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

I'm pretty sure that's the key to it all.

What about the world?

We just finished up a study on prayer at our work Bible study, so I've been thinking on choices for the next one. In the last lesson, these verses from James really made an impact on me:

Submit Yourselves to God
1What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
4You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?[a] 6But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."[b]

7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Just the week before, we had a Marketplace Connection lunch that really made an impact with some members of the Bible study. The topic: seeing yourself the way God sees you instead of the way the world sees you. It was one of those times where I spent more time praying to get a firm grip on my emotions than really soaking in the speaker's words. I wanted to cry. This is a topic that makes me want to cry.

I'm not exactly sure what to call it, but low self-esteem is one of the things I've fought for a lifetime and I'm afraid that it's going to be a battle forever. I was thinking about it on the way home, and I've made a decision that this is something that's completely unacceptable. My low self-esteem is a sin. It comes directly from listening to the world and it's my job to get over it. It's holding me back and keeping me from accomplishing God's goals in my life.

SO...the big question is what's next. When we talked about this verse, I mentioned how easy it is to slip into the world's way of thinking. I like to blend in with the crowd, not stand out. It's easy to perform for the world. As long as I look a certain way, say the right things, and avoid rocking the boat, I'm OK with the world. Maybe not quite good-looking enough or smart enough or popular enough or rich enough, but OK as long as I understand that what I have is not quite enough.

Of course, God didn't call me to blend in. The world is supposed to see a difference in me. As we talked about in the study, the only way to be different is to spend more time with God, to know His word so that instead of hearing all the ways that I'll never measure up, I hear what God has called me to do...with the skills he gave me, the talents, the body, the mind, the experience, the purpose he gave me.

Should be easy...right?