Kleenex Warning

Today our church service began with a Kleenex warning. Now, I can cry at the drop of a hat in a church service...something about the music, the worship, the sincerity, the comfort just breaks my heart again and again. I think that's why I've been avoiding church.

I thought I was safe with the Memorial Day Service...but patriotic songs and honoring our military are enough to choke me up. At least I was smart enough to avoid Mother's Day. I have the same plan for Father's Day...just an ordinary, average day. Someone said to me last week that I seem to be coping better now than I have at other times. I think that's funny. And from someone who knows me well. My way to cope...be very, very busy. Too busy to think about upsetting things. And add to that a complete avoidance of the things that might upset me...even if they're things I enjoy (baseball with my family) or need to do (a phone call to my mom's best friend) or impact my life (church and worship). If I do those things, the cracks appear. It's much easier to be alone, occupy my time with busyness, and just pretend that I'm fine.
Today I realized as I was feeling/surreptitiously (sorry, Mary, it's really the best word choice) wiping away the tears that I'm just so far away from God. But I did that. I did it to protect myself and to pretend that I'm strong and I'm fine. But I'm not. And I won't be where I am. So...now comes the tough part...finding my way back.

I've heard this song over and over the past few days. And I cry. Usually in the car, on the way in to work. I should come with a permanent Kleenex attachment. Click on the link to hear the song. It's Amazing Grace with a little update.

Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) Lyrics

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost,
but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see

‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood
His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine
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Immanuel, God with us

Lots of Christian writers and speakers spend time trying to "prove" the Christian faith, specifically regarding his death and resurrection. Yesterday I heard a news story on the way in to work about how many non-Christians do believe in the resurrection of Jesus. Here's an excerpt from the Christian Post (which I did not even know existed):

Study: Most Non-Born-Again Christians Still Believe Jesus Resurrected
By Audrey Barrick, Christian Post Reporter, Tue, Apr. 03 2007 12:27 PM ET

While Christians and documentaries try to prove the resurrection of Christ this Easter, a surprising new study reveals they may not need to. Many already believe Jesus rose from the dead 2,000 years ago.

According to recent research by the Center for Missional Research of the North American Mission Board – the Southern Baptist domestic mission agency – 75 percent of Americans who say they are not born-again Christians still believe the biblical account of Jesus literally coming back to life in his physical body.

I've said a million times that I have a simple faith. I'm not troubled by inconsistencies or doubts about the logic or reason behind a Christian faith, but it does seem that accepting the fact that Jesus came back to life would be more difficult than understanding that he did it to save me. We have records of his works, his teachings, his life, and if we believe that he was hung on a cross, died, and rose again three days later, we know he was also supernatural, unlike men who came before or since. How can we not believe that he was who he said he was or that he would do what he said he came to do? Like I said, I have a simple faith so I'll probably never be able to understand this, but I'm going to keep thinking about it!

Matthew 28
The Resurrection
1After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb.
2There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. 3His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. 4The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.

5The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. 6He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. 7Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you."

8So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. 9Suddenly Jesus met them. "Greetings," he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. 10Then Jesus said to them, "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me."

The Guards' Report

11While the women were on their way, some of the guards went into the city and reported to the chief priests everything that had happened. 12When the chief priests had met with the elders and devised a plan, they gave the soldiers a large sum of money, 13telling them, "You are to say, 'His disciples came during the night and stole him away while we were asleep.' 14If this report gets to the governor, we will satisfy him and keep you out of trouble." 15So the soldiers took the money and did as they were instructed. And this story has been widely circulated among the Jews to this very day.
The Great Commission

16Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. 17When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

Maybe tomorrow

Warning: this is a funky feeling day and I think this post is going to be a total downer. I'm just in a weird mood, a little sad because I worked on taxes all night and some this morning before I came in to work (and boy, am I going to pay, pay, pay). Two things are upsetting me: looking at all the prescriptions my mother paid for, doctors she visited, tests she had and knowing how much of that she carried all alone and looking at all the tax forms marked DECEASED. I just can't get away from remembering that last minute. And then I listened to Christian music on the way in to work, so I'm still a mess. Thank goodness I have hope for the future because today appears to be a total downer! Maybe I'll snap out of it. I put the flower up because I want to be cheered up, and if yellow flowers (even though they are technically the weeds taking over my backyard) don't do it, nothing will! Thinking good things: yellow flowers, yarn, puppies (insert token Darcy shot here)...


MercyMe's Homesick lyrics
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

Verse-a-day

So today I got this in my e-mail. Thought it worked with my post from yesterday.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
-- 2 Corinthians 4:18


THOUGHT:
What do you see most clearly today? Is it what is seen or what
is unseen? No matter our belief system, we ultimately have to trust
what we can't see. Even the most atheistic scientists trust
gravity, breathe air, and depend upon principles they cannot see
until these realities produce results in the tangible world of
human perception. But as Christians, we don't believe the seen
world is any more real as the unseen world. In fact, most of the
seen world is subject to death, disease, disaster, decay, disorder,
and death. I don't know about you, but if it isn't any more
permanent than that, it's not going to be very real for any of us
for very long. I want to hang on to something that allows me to
look past the seen and to find my Father who is unseen. He is the
one who guarantees the unseen!

Blessed Be Your Name

This morning in church, I had another "joy" shot. The message was about work, about how God has plans for us in our work, even if it's not the "perfect" job. David was the illustration-he started as a shepherd. While everyone was watching Saul, God was watching David. He was God's chosen person to be king, but that position was already filled. David needed time to prepare.
I realized 2 things: no matter how imperfect my life is...it's temporary. Someday it will be. And God's going to use every experience to prepare me for His purpose.

Romans 8:28-More Than Conquerors
28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

This was part of the music this morning (along with "Workin' for a Livin'" with its $100 car note, $200 rent...it's older than I thought!). I've always loved this song, sung by Tree63, but I have trouble blessing God in the "takes away" portion. But God doesn't waste anything, right?

Blessed Be Your Name
by Matt Redman
- - -
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Shaw's True Joy in Life

I ran across this last night when I was reading Purpose Driven Life. I thought it worked with my question about the meaning of joy.

George Bernard Shaw - On True Joy in Life

This is the one true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. .......

I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. .......

I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no `brief candle' to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.

Resolution #1

I want to find the Joy in my life in 2007. The past year was not much about Joy. It was about survival...surviving pressure, surviving disappointment, surviving loss, surviving life. I don't want to just survive. God doesn't want that for me either. I want Joy, I want to know what I'm here for and I want to pursue that instead of getting lost in the details. I've spent at least a year crossing the details off of a really long list of things to do because that meant survival. Details meant I didn't have to think about what's really wrong with my life, didn't have to think about my fears. No time for that, I have to accomplish the next thing on the list. Now that I've pretty much run out of list, I have to come up with a better plan. What is joy? Here's a definition:
joy: noun (plural joys)
1. great happiness: feelings of great happiness or pleasure, especially of an elevated or spiritual kind

Now, how do I get there?