Kleenex Warning

Today our church service began with a Kleenex warning. Now, I can cry at the drop of a hat in a church service...something about the music, the worship, the sincerity, the comfort just breaks my heart again and again. I think that's why I've been avoiding church.

I thought I was safe with the Memorial Day Service...but patriotic songs and honoring our military are enough to choke me up. At least I was smart enough to avoid Mother's Day. I have the same plan for Father's Day...just an ordinary, average day. Someone said to me last week that I seem to be coping better now than I have at other times. I think that's funny. And from someone who knows me well. My way to cope...be very, very busy. Too busy to think about upsetting things. And add to that a complete avoidance of the things that might upset me...even if they're things I enjoy (baseball with my family) or need to do (a phone call to my mom's best friend) or impact my life (church and worship). If I do those things, the cracks appear. It's much easier to be alone, occupy my time with busyness, and just pretend that I'm fine.
Today I realized as I was feeling/surreptitiously (sorry, Mary, it's really the best word choice) wiping away the tears that I'm just so far away from God. But I did that. I did it to protect myself and to pretend that I'm strong and I'm fine. But I'm not. And I won't be where I am. So...now comes the tough part...finding my way back.

I've heard this song over and over the past few days. And I cry. Usually in the car, on the way in to work. I should come with a permanent Kleenex attachment. Click on the link to hear the song. It's Amazing Grace with a little update.

Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) Lyrics

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost,
but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see

‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood
His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine
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