How it goes

When I think about how different I am on the inside compared to what I show the world, I start to wonder. I had this conversation with a friend yesterday about how the people in my Sunday school class don't really know me. Some of them have seen glimpses of me but they don't really know me. Because I don't let them. There are people around me who know more about the real me than others...and it isn't always who you'd think. It seems that it's harder to let church people know that I'm not all together than others who freely let me know that they are not all together. I'm not sure why I'm thinking about that today. I meant to post about prayer, this verse specifically.

Matthew 6
Prayer

5"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 6But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 7And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. 8Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

I'm preparing to start a work Bible study. And the conversation in my head is always the same...
I can do that. I should be doing that. I did it before and it was fine. I can do this.
Then count it down to "go time" and the conversation changes....
What was I thinking? I can't do this. I don't want to do this. I'm not smart enough to do this. Prayer? I'm the worst pray-er that I know. How can I teach anyone what I don't know? How do I get out of this? I can't get out of this. God, help!

Father, you made me as I am and you know what I need before I ask you. What a gift that is. Please help me prepare, guide the right people to the study, and give me the words. I'm afraid to mess up here, but I know that you can accomplish great things in spite of me. Jesus taught us how to pray. Help us all understand what that means.

Significance

1 Chronicles 4:9-10 (New International Version)
9 Jabez was more honorable than his brothers. His mother had named him Jabez, [a] saying, "I gave birth to him in pain." 10 Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request.

I think that many Christians feel like prayer has to be impressive to be significant. How many times have I listened to an eloquent prayer in church and thought , "I could never pray like that." I read Bruce Wilkinson's book on the Prayer of Jabez last night...a short, easy read...about a prayer than can change lives. And really, who are we trying to impress? God knows our hearts. How much simpler it would be to pray "Bless me, enlarge my territory, be with me, protect me from harm." It worked for Jabez. In a long list of names, Jabez stands out as more honorable...not a bad goal.

So, does it really work?

Genesis 24
10 Then the servant took ten of his master's camels and left, taking with him all kinds of good things from his master. He set out for Aram Naharaim and made his way to the town of Nahor. 11 He had the camels kneel down near the well outside the town; it was toward evening, the time the women go out to draw water.

12 Then he prayed, "O LORD, God of my master Abraham, give me success today, and show kindness to my master Abraham. 13 See, I am standing beside this spring, and the daughters of the townspeople are coming out to draw water. 14 May it be that when I say to a girl, 'Please let down your jar that I may have a drink,' and she says, 'Drink, and I'll water your camels too'-let her be the one you have chosen for your servant Isaac. By this I will know that you have shown kindness to my master."

I've mentioned that I've been working on my own independent study of prayer. This is a prayer of one of Abraham's servants. And God answered it by sending Rebekah, and she did as he prayed and she was the one for Isaac. More than once I've wished God would just send the sign, the burning bush, the cloud of smoke leading the way. And I have prayed a prayer like this when I was scared to death that God was calling me to make a mission trip. And he answered each prayer in a way that was without question an affirmative: Yes. Go. God is full of mercy and he knew that nothing less would get me moving. But I've also wondered whether this reflects a lack of faith. Is this a way to test God or is this a way to search God's will and know?

I've been thinking about this for the past week because I feel like I'm facing a big decision. I know how I feel in my heart, but my head tries to be logical, to make the proper decision regardless of how I "feel" right now...the best decision for my future. And, as logic really isn't my strong point, especially in personal decision making, it's a struggle. So today I was driving on the way to my next hurdle, the normal feeling of dread riding shotgun, and I was just basically talking to God...and I said, "You know, if I don't see results tonight or if this person calls me to tell me she can't make it again, I'm going to know the right decision to make" never really believing that it would ever be that simple. I arrive. I'm bustling to be prepared. And she calls to say she won't be able to make it. So...now what? Is that answered prayer? After the first epic battle over the Peru trip, I've never believed in coincidence. If I put on my ill-fitting logic hat again, here's what I know:
1. God answers prayer every day. Maybe not always in ways that I hear, but I believe they're answered.
2. God answers through His word and His people. Both seem to be at work here.
3. I've been asking, seeking, knocking for some time. God promised to answer.
4. When I think of making this decision, I feel peace. I worry over tomorrow, but today I will feel happy, unburdened, at peace. Since God has promised to take care of tomorrow, maybe today is what matters.

I think I have an answer.
Quick, somebody with better logic...point out the flaws in my reasoning!

Get the Drift

This Sunday we studied a little more on Jacob's life. Jacob is another one of those characters that really gives a regular person hope. Jacob was so imperfect. His name says it all: Deceiver. He tricked his brother out of his blessing as first born, ran away in fear for his life, and even though God came to him personally, he continued to try to weasel out of conflict instead of automatically doing the right thing. Sounds like someone I might know. And still, God would use him to save the world. The last king descended from Jacob/Israel: Jesus. I guess if God waited on one of us to always do the right thing...well, it would be a really long wait. This time around, we looked at what Jacob did after his sons destroyed Shechem. When his life and his entire family are in danger because of his inaction and lack of leadership, then Jacob takes action...bury the idols, let's go back to where we should be. Until that point, it looks like they followed the normal path...following God perfectly is just a little too hard, let's try something a little easier. And before you know it, you have idols that you worship instead of the God of Israel, the God who called Abraham and Isaac and Jacob, who spoke to them personally and through them made it possible for me to belong.

It's a good thing Jacob was a part of the legacy. God made a promise to Abraham and he kept it to Jacob, protecting him from the consequences of his actions. In this one time, Jacob's entire family/tribe could have been destroyed. Instead God reminded him of where he started, sending him back to Bethel where he met God in the first place. Some returns are easier than others, aren't they? Sometimes it's a correction, and then sometimes it's a turn back to where you should be. I guess it all depends on where you are in the drift. I think I'm a little off course.

Thank you, God, for the reminder that you don't move, that I can always return to you, and that you will keep your promises even when I forget.

Persistence

Matthew 7
7Keep on asking and it will be given you; keep on seeking and you will find; keep on knocking [reverently] and [the door] will be opened to you.
8For everyone who keeps on asking receives; and he who keeps on seeking finds; and to him who keeps on knocking, [the door] will be opened.
9Or what man is there of you, if his son asks him for a loaf of bread, will hand him a stone?
10Or if he asks for a fish, will hand him a serpent?
11If you then, evil as you are, know how to give good and [h]advantageous gifts to your children, how much more will your Father Who is in heaven [perfect as He is] give good and [i]advantageous things to those who keep on asking Him!

So instead of doing what I felt like I had to do on Wednesday, I put all that aside and pulled out my Bible. I've never done an unguided study. Usually I rely on published writers to help guide me through a study. I like books. I especially like to write IN books so it works for me. In my confusion, I just decided to start someplace, anyplace.

I pulled out my Comparative Study Bible (4 versions for the price of one...really big one) that has King James, Amplified, New Amercian Standard, and my fave New International versions. And I had a concordance. Remember the verse from Wednesday? I think that it's interesting that the first revelation came to me at the beginning of the next chapter. The first verse I looked up was in Matthew 7. I'm familiar with the Ask, Seek, and Knock version. The "Keep ON" part was lost on me. Until I read it on Wednesday. I'm sure I'm all alone in the world, but I think I've always understood that as "Ask". To me, that's one time. Maybe it's a sign of an easy life that I think one request is all that's needed. And some things just aren't that easy, right? Ask, but it's really keep on asking, knocking, until you get the answer. Like the man who goes to his friend late at night to ask for bread. The first answer is "No, I'm already in bed." But if he keeps asking, the man gives the friend what he wants. Persistence pays off. And of course, my natural bent is to make the leap...if I keep asking, eventually God will be annoyed enough that I'll get what I want. Works with Mom, right? Well, not MY mom, but I think it must work somewhere.

I don't think we can leap that far, but now that the light bulb's gone off, I do understand why asking once is not the idea. Now I bump up against the problem that God already knows what I need...why do I have to ask? I'll tackle that one next. Maybe.

Stepping out...and then back?

I am confused. I don't really mind admitting it because it happens pretty often, but I'm just not sure what to think. Does this ever happen to you? I feel like I've made a calm, rational decision accompanied by prayer and an earnest desire to be in God's will. So why am I not successful? Or happy? Or even sure that this place is on God's map for my life? In this place in my life, I have no time for anything more than work. It's temporary, but I'm feeling that I might be on the wrong track. If it were the right track, would I feel like God is saying:

I want you to build strong relationships with Christian friends. You need to be in Bible study.

I want you to influence your friends and family. You need to be teaching a Bible study. And controlling your temper. And putting in the time.

I want you to make an impact here at home. You need to be involved in a ministry. Remember the ESL classes? You could do that.

I want you to make an impact on the world. You know that mission trip? Yes. Go.

I want you to use the gifts I've given you: intelligence, humor, and a love of writing, reading, and study. For me.

And right now, I feel like not even one of these things can be accomplished along with my current ambition. So how do I know when to make the change? Could the total peace that I felt making the first decision to get here have been wrong? Maybe it was confidence in my own ability to be in control. Confidence is unusual for me! Maybe that's why I mistook it for something else. Or can the pulls that I feel to do more be combined with my life as it is? I'm confused. And this verse comes to mind "Seek ye first the kingdom of God...":

Matthew 6 (from the Message translation)
30-33"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

34"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

God, please make my path clear.

New life

Romans 6
4We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
5If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. 6For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— 7because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.
8Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him.

Easter is one of those church days thats bound to see me in tears. Yesterday I was a little restrained because I was in such close proximity to a male type and didn't want to have the runny nose that ususally accompanies my emotion. Then I was with my family, another sure way to bring the tears. Being surrounded by my family just makes me miss the ones who are missing even more. For some reason, I seem to be in a little more control this time around.

I hope that this comes from the fact that God and I are spending a little more time together every day, so that my heart doesn't wrench at each new encounter. I've started a study on prayer because I really want to understand better so that I can know God better. I do know without a doubt that Easter is a reason for celebration, the one day that makes every other day livable, the reason that we can live with hope, without fear.

I hope that you had a reason to celebrate yesterday too.

The video is to a song by Nicole C. Mullen, "I Know My Redeemer Lives."

World Poetry Day

Thanks, Deb, for the reminder.
I like this poem by Hopkins.

Pied Beauty
GLORY be to God for dappled things—
For skies of couple-colour as a brinded cow;
For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;
Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches’ wings;
Landscape plotted and pieced—fold, fallow, and plough; 5
And áll trádes, their gear and tackle and trim.

All things counter, original, spare, strange;
Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)
With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim;
He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change: 10
Praise him.

Who do you say he is?

John 3:16-17 (New International Version)
16"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

We talked about this in church yesterday, that everyone knows by heart the first part. You know it's hit the big time when signs at sporting events advertise it, right? But how many memorize the second part, not to condemn but to save. It's hard to imagine that someone so just and righteous wouldn't condemn someone like me. Really. Even for me, it's hard to believe sometimes. But there it is, in black and white for the entire world to see. Yesterday was Palm Sunday and I had some inappropriate humor (that happens when you try to laugh whenever possible, you rename serious stories about the life of Jesus. For some reason, Jesus: The Musical sounded better than The Kingdom to me.) It's easy to remember the celebration, harder to understand how that could happen days before the crucifixion. Honestly, if God can love me that much, why is it difficult to understand that he can surely forgive my sins now? God as judge is such a scary picture. It's scary because I know what I deserve. w
Who do you say he is? This verse says it all: power to condemn but grace and mercy to save...those who choose him.

What if you can't get help?

I don't like to ask for help. Just about anyone who knows me can tell you this is true. I don't like to admit that I need help, I never want help, I want to do it on my own, I want to be independent. Most of the time, I'm faking. I usually need help, even if it's just to remember that whatever the situation is will change. I recently had a different situation...I know I need help, I admit I need help, I ask for help, and I get a pat on the head. No help. The moral to that story is that people will let you down. They don't slow down long enough to really understand the situation and they've got their own stuff. Thank goodness that's rare. I know people, friends, who would do whatever they could to help me with anything. Any time. No matter how I managed to end up in that spot. Those friends are treasures and I know it. I hope someday that I can be that same kind of friend. And then there's the rest of my world...made up of the typical kinds of people, many of whom I'd avoid if I could. You know what I mean? Inconsistent, self-absorbed, uncaring...people like me.

I started thinking about this because I got to work today and I was vividly reminded of that episode. It's about to come around again and I'm a little frustrated just thinking about it. I'm so thankful that Jesus is one of those dependable friends, the ones who help when I ask for help. I may not like the help, but he's not going to blame me either for failing. Of course, he probably wishes I was litte more consistent and caring. I need to work on that.

I Get by with a Little Help

Ecclesiastes 4 (Don't ever think that the stuff you have to do to "pledge" a "women's social club" is wasted. I had to memorize part of this for the super, duper, top secret ceremony. Don't tell anyone, 'k?)

8 There was a man all alone;
he had neither son nor brother.
There was no end to his toil,
yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.
"For whom am I toiling," he asked,
"and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?"
This too is meaningless—
a miserable business!

9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:
10 If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

This goes back to my idea about how Jesus handled life. Everyone needs a friend. And Jesus was lucky like I am lucky to work with friends. Work is less like work when you can spend time with people you like. I don't really know how much Jesus liked all the disciples, but really, they spent alot of time together. There must have been a bond, an appreciation. One may be overpowered, two can defend themselves, and a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. I think this may only work with men because every time I spent time with 2 female friends, fights were easy to find. That doesn't really matter. It's good advice.

One of the sessions I went to this weekend was about living in community with other Christians. I went because I struggle with that interdependence idea. I want to be IN-DE-PEN-DENT or die trying. I think this last verse sums it all up much better than that hour-long speaker did. There's strength in numbers, especially when those numbers support each other. And this world can be a battle where defense is critical. Jesus had a defense. Do you? I do. And I'm thankful. That's not true every day because sometimes that togetherness can get a little too "in my business" instead. But when life falls apart, I'm so thankful for my support, especially my 2 closest friends who make up my cord. I thank God for them.

WWJD...my unscientific guess

Life is hectic. And really, I don't have anyone to blame but me for that because I've made the decisions that brought me here to this place (a place I'm very familiar with because I visit it over and over. Really). Since I almost busied myself out of the singles conference, I've been thinking about that. As Christians, Jesus is our model. And he seems like he might have one or two (hundred) hectic days. Little things like running thieves out of the temple, feeding 5,000 with a few loaves and fish, healing the sick, raising the dead, calming storms, and being followed by crowds (and Peter) must have made for hectic days. Well, that and knowing how his own story was going to turn out must have made it difficult to relax even on the good days. How in the world did he do it?

The crowds alone would have made me crazy. And it's a short step from crazy to angry irritation for me. The disciples would have had to watch me every minute. Of course, the thing about models is that they're perfect, right? I'm flawed. I know, hard to believe.
Here's my unscientific list of what Jesus did to cope. I think I'm still working on it but I'll try to flesh it out as we go.
1. He didn't try to do it all alone. Friends are good.You need help and someone to depend on.
2. Close friends are even better. Peter, James, and John knew Jesus better than anyone else.
3. Quiet time is required.
4. Understanding your purpose can make it all worthwhile.
5. First things first, second things never. (Mary and Martha)
6. Prioritize. (Love God)

Hold Fast

What I've learned in my life, the one thing greater than my strife is your grasp...

I've probably posted about this before but I like this song. A lot. Could be why it comes up often. I heard it on the way to work this morning. I had a bad day yesterday. It happens. I don't like to be rushed, scheduled minute by minute and for approximately 23 days (total guess), that's my life. And I'm frustrated by it. And the thing is that this is the way that I run my life. I add too much. I try too much. And then I melt down. You would think that at 35, I might be able to control the impulse to add more. You'd be wrong. I do not learn. Until I'm going through the breakdown, I'm firmly in control of it all. And then I'm not and I want to just let it all, every single bit, good and bad, just let it go. And as I'm typing, I'm realzing that I'll probably never be able to change that. It will take supernatural help to change the patterns of 35 years.

Psalm 139 For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

Where is your hope?

If it were not for hope, the heart would break.

-- Thomas Fuller

Psalm 62:5-6
5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

I have a hard time imagining life without hope, but I think there are people living that way. To me, hope is key to survival, the belief that tomorrow can be better than today. Some days are great days, but every life has the days that aren't great, aren't happy, are frustrating and defeating and stressful. I might mess up or disappoint myself or someone else or something that's out of my control can shake everything, but tomorrow can be better. I hope it's going to be better. I believe that it can be better. Of course, I know where my hope is. And I'm so thankful today that God does not change. He doesn't get angry, give up, or walk away from me. I may blow from here to there, go away and come back, make bad choices or stop listening, but God doesn't give up, doesn't move, doesn't change. And tomorrow can be better, and someday it will be the best. I have hope.

Lift my eyes

There's just nothing like needing help to renew faith, is there? Things are rocking along smoothly and there's really no need to involve God in my plans. Throw a wrench in the works and I suddenly remember where my help comes from. Yesterday I mentioned sleepless nights. I've moved on to nervous eating during the day. I'm not sure what the next step in the escalation is but I've got to manage to take care of this one. I had a few quiet moments yesterday between one thing and the next where I sat and desperately prayed. I don't know how God keeps from getting fed up. This happens over and over with me. I sort of hope He rolls his eyes just like I would in the same spot. Praying for clear direction and security. Over and over. Security seems iffy based on what I'm re-reading about getting out of the boat so I've sort of pinned my hopes on the "clear direction" part of the equation.

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

I'm a thinker. I spend too much time in my head. Thinking. And last night was one of those nights where the thinking started and just wouldn't stop. To try to shut it all down, all the worries about whether or not I'm doing the right thing or making the right decision or headed for failure or...or..., I picked up John Ortberg's book If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get OUt of the Boat. The man likes long titles. It's a look at the story where Peter walks on water. For a minute. Until he sees the wind.

I'm not sure it quieted my mind but I had something new to think about. As long as Jesus commands me, I'm going to get out of the boat. The next question: How can I be sure of the command?

Dark alleys

The next time you find yourself alone in a dark alley facing the
undeniables of life, don't cover them with a blanket, or ignore
them with a nervous grin. Don't turn up the TV and pretend they
aren't there. Instead, stand still, whisper his name, and
listen. He is nearer than you think.

-- Max Lucado

I had this conversation with a single friend over dinner where she mentioned going out at night to investigate a loud noise. This is against my policy. I don't do that. I stay very quiet inside, with my ears peeled for the slightest noise, and pretend I am not there. The ostrich defense...I stick my head in the sand until it goes away. This has worked effectively for me for years.

I like this quote my Max Lucado because the truth is that this approach doesn't really work. Most of the real concerns of life just don't disappear. Tv helps cover them up and I can pretend all day long that I don't see them, but that's not what God's called me to do. How often do I just stand still, whisper his name, and listen? Not often enough.

Faith and trust

Faith is unutterable trust in God, trust which never dreams that
He will not stand by us.

-- Oswald Chambers

I got this quote in email yesterday and I've been thinking about it. I've known for some time that my problem is trust...in lots of areas. I've had the kind of faith that never dreamed that God would not deliver. But I've also had the disappointing discovery that that's not a promise like I want it to be...God will always deliver exactly what I want. So for a while I've struggled to understand the "stand by" part of this quote. I was bothered yesterday by the idea that my faith is weak because I do wonder whether God is standing by. Today, I'm reminded that God has promised never to leave me or forsake me. I know that. I don't doubt that for a minute. I do have my doubts that He's going to do what I think is best. And He never promised that. Thank goodness.

So what does silence mean?

I think it means I'm not listening. I'm not paying attention. And I'm certainly not inspired to blog about not listening, not paying attention. I can usually count on that to happen sometime around this holiday. I really don't understand it...Christmas music in the stores, on the radio, on the television...and I'm too wrapped up in the busy-ness to really listen. I'm going to do better. I say that so often, right?

Anyway, as I was posting via YouTube videos on the other blog, I ran across this song by Matthew West and Mandisa (yes, that Mandisa). It's kind of a hokey video but I do like the song..."Christmas Makes Me Cry." It's not as uplifting as dogs barking out "Jingle Bells" but it is a great reminder of why Christmas can be bittersweet to most of us.

Been there?

Romans 8:26 (The Message)

26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Ever been to the point you don't even know what to pray? I came across a card that someone gave me with the verse included. It wasn't in the Message translation so I thought I'd check it out. "He does our praying for us." When we don't know what to pray, the Holy Spirit comes alongside and does our praying for us. It's hard to imagine but what a gift. He knows us better than we know ourselves...this is something that I've been thinking about lately. Too many conversations about why I feel the way I do about myself maybe... Wouldn't it be great to see, even if just for one minute, myself the way that God sees me?