Calling vs. career

I think the point where I got a little "don't-cry-don't-cry" panicked at lunch was during the 4 questions:
1. Think about the time you felt the most alive. What were you doing?
2. If money and failure were not options, what would you do?
3. What do other people tell me I do with excellence?
4. What kind of legacy do I want to leave?

I've been working with Merry from Marketplace Connection for just a little while now, and we've had some conversation about career choices. She recommended a study called 48 Days to the Work You Love to me (and to a friend who was recently laid off). And I bought the book. And that's as far as it went. And here's why: I'm sorta afraid of the answer. If I find clear direction, what in the world am I going to do with it? I'm comfortable (sort of) right where I am. I know what to expect (sort of) every day. After lunch on Thursday, with some unexpected time off (waiting for Mr. Electric to show up...not as exciting as it sounds), I started Day 1.

And did some thinking about these questions.
The places I felt most alive are scary places! Out on the edge of my comfort zone:
-sitting on a hill overlooking a town in the Andes mountains in Peru, praying for those people and thanking God for that chance.
-sitting alone in a town square in a town in the Andes mountains, surrounded by children who speak Spanish...and I don't
-showering with a lizard in a town in the Andes mountains in Peru. If the cold water doesn't make you feel alive, keeping an eye on the lizard definitely will.
-photographing quilts in the streets of Dublin, Ireland, with possibly the best friend of my life
-reading, writing, and discussing great books in literature classes in college
-being critiqued in the only creative writing class I've ever taken
-speaking in the final class of my MBA gauntlet in front of a panel of business experts

Those are just quick answers, off the top of my head, but I think that fear may be the common factor.

If money and failure were taken out of the mix, what would I do? Clearly, study, and travel and write. Those are things that I see that I love. That I always have loved and that I always will love. But in the real world, money is a necessity and failure is very much an option with which I am intimately acquainted and live in dread of daily. So what in the world does that tell me? You know, I've been told by more than one person who loves me that I can do anything, but that's clearly untrue, so where's the line?

What do people tell me I do with excellence? I have no idea, but here's the real trick: if I can't do it perfectly, or at least excellently, I don't really want to do it. I really, really don't want to do it. I lose sleep over how much I don't want to do it. But if I look at what I do daily, I schedule, I plan, I problem-solve, I lighten the mood when I can. There may be other things.

And as for legacy, I've never thought about it. Who am I leaving a legacy for?

What about you? Can you answer these questions? There supposed to help us determine a calling, which is different than a career. A calling is our passion, our purpose. And we're all supposed to have one, right?

Remember Psalm 139? This is from the Message translation:
13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

All the stages of my life, the days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day...I have a purpose and work prepared for me. Father, show me what it is.