Still and quiet

Psalm 131
A song of ascents. Of David.
1 My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
2 But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

3 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.

Reading Psalm 130 from yesterday and Psalm 131 today back-to-back required a tissue. I'm going to blame it on the timing, but the truth is that I think any reference to being a child just really makes me remember. I'm thinking about another time when I watched for sunrise, at another hospital bed, this time my mother's. This time, I had snuck in to visit her on my way to work, just to see if I could do anything for her. Actually, probably to try to catch a doctor, but I'm sure that was wasted effort. I'm supposed to be at work at 7:00, so it was very early and she was still asleep. So I crept in and had a seat to wait, watching out the window for dawn. I can't really remember the why of the hospital stay. We were still battling the cancer at this point and I think she had some kind of fever. I just remember the feeling of dread there in the dark. I wanted hustle, bustle, light, life, and most of all, I wanted her to be herself. And to not feel so alone. Then she woke up, saw me, and snapped "And what are you doing here?" And everything was OK. She chased me out, back to work.

With a few more sunrises between the two, I understood why miraculous healing may not be the answer to prayer. It's probably not the right prayer. Thanks to my mother, I never had any night watches with her. She really wouldn't allow it. But I still prayed, not with the perfect expectation of youth, but with hope that God would answer my prayers for my mother. I'm not sure I trusted God to do the right thing for her. But He did. And in a way to clearly demonstrate to me that it was an answer, to demonstrate his love for her and for me, and to demonstrate that God is good. All the time. Now if I can just learn to expect that like I look forward to the dawn.

Father, help me to still and quiet my soul, even when I don't understand, trusting you.